When I read words “unsinkable” and “buoyant” to describe our deluxe foam pool floats, I take it as a challenge. Being a larger-than-average man, I've not yet met a pool float that I couldn't sink.
Also important to know is that I am somewhat of a cannonball expert. In fact, at three different Florida hotels, the concierges at the front desk greet me not by Frank Rizzo, but by “Depth Charge” because of the sound and splash that only I can make.
However, not once have I had the honor of sinking these so-called unsinkable foam pool floats.
So, after Christmas when I took the wife and kiddos on a mid- winter trip to the Sunshine State, there were several of these 'unsinkable', thick foam pool floats stacked neatly around the hotel pool.
I stared these floats down as we traversed the atrium and headed up to our room. As we unpacked, I glanced down to the pool and the colorful stack of pool floats were seemingly taunting me. After quickly changing into my swim trunks, I raced down stairs – actually took the slowest elevator ride of my life, and entered the arena.
There were a few folks quietly lounging poolside, their faces glowing with a zen-like peace that you just can’t fake. Ignoring them, I walked right by and grabbed one of these closed cell foam floats and tossed it into the deep end. I waited for the floating blue target to drift closer to the center of the pool.
Taking a few steps back on the pool deck, I gained as much speed and momentum my body could muster, and leaped over the water. Curling my legs up mid-air, I held my breath and closed my eyes. Moments later – BOOM – Depth Charge!
Unfortunately, I had missed my target. :-(
I doggie paddled over to the float, dragged it to the ladder, climbed out and reprised the entire launch sequence. This time I know I hit the thing as I watched my knees land square in the middle of the float. As I went under, the float bobbed to the surface and retreated once again on a wave.
Third time's a charm, I thought, and with feigned confidence to hide my defeat, I once again launched the unsinkable pool float across the pool. This time however, I fully committed to a Macho Man Randy Savage 'flying-elbow' off the top rope move, where I leaped into the air as high as possible, and stuck out my elbow, landing a devastating blow right in its mid-section. Some in the crowd gasped, others cheered as the pool float drifted off mockingly, and I slowly sank below the surface wondering how something so light and soft could be so stubbornly unsinkable.
Soaking wet and not interested in any towel, I retreated to my room where I was greeted with high-fives from the kids and a rather familiar look of embarrassment and scorn from my wife. I explained everything to the family in detail. For some reason I was hoping to get an answer from them on why I couldn’t sink the unsinkable float, but there was nothing but “who knew you could jump that high in the air” from one of the kids and “did you leave any water in the pool, dad?” from another child.
However, my wife is not surprised at my inability to sink an unsinkable float. She explained that when she and the kids go to the pool back home, lots of moms lounge casually on these foam pool floats. “They’re super soft and extremely comfortable. They never fade and never pop”, the wife explained. “Frank, you could drill holes in those floats and they still wouldn’t sink".
An idea came to mind … interrupted with a "No, Frank. Just No, you’re not doing that".
As a family, we went back down to the pool. Some of the crowd that was still lingering started chanting “Macho Man! Macho Man!” I paid no attention. Instead, I grabbed the foam pool float and studied my adversary closely. Once I looked at the material, it all made sense. There was no way water could have ever intruded into the extruded foam.
The thick foam pool float of dense closed-cell foam could be bent and twisted and return back to its original shape. I tried to tear through it like a phone book (an old trick of mine) and I didn’t come even close.
Admitting my failure to sink these unsinkable foam pool floats, I set the float onto the water, and gently placed myself in a prone position, drifting across the pool, in complete peace and comfort.
We have 6 different foam pool floats, and a few foam pool chairs and loungers too. Choose from 1.5" or 2" thick foam pool floats, in a rainbow of colors - and see if you can sink 'em!